Spacer's Guide to the Frontier: part 9

Shadow Shack's picture
Shadow Shack
November 6, 2007 - 9:23pm
You Might be a Redneck Jedi if...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master ever said, "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side, it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own don't function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You don't think Jabba's Gammorean Guards have a hygiene problem.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father. And your uncle. And your brother...

If you have a home that is mobile and ten landspeeders that aren't

When you consider a housewarming party consists of removing the repulsor lifts off your home.

Some quotes overheard from the mouths of Redneck Jedi:

"Hey boy...ya wanna go AT-AT tipping?"

"Just why does Lando call it the fastest hunk o' junk in the galaxy?"

"Jawas are below the Tusken Raiders on the food chain, and just above my family."

"Womp Rats are pretty good once ya get all the buckshot outa them. Goes great with Jawa Juice."

"My prized possession is an autographed Sebulba T-Shirt I got from the Pod Races at Malistaire. That good ol' boy sure knows how to get screwy with them pods!"

"Just finished my custom landspeeder, gots me a bright orange paint job and a Rebel Insignia on the hood, slapped a pair of 01's on the sides and dubbed 'er the General Dodonna."

"Man I wish I knew a little sumthin about that Force Lightning stuff. My R2 unit's down an' so's my light saber, an' I can't get the charcoal grill lit!"

"Shoot, them Death Stars ain't nuthin'. You ain't tasted my wife's cookin' yet."

"Speakin' of my wife's cookin', we don't need no X-Wings. Just gimme my light saber and a heapin' helpin' of her beef stew, and I can make 0.5 past lightspeed with my own exhaust."

"This is Jedi Knight Boscoe T. Nobrain, just saw them TIE boys and we're in HOT pursuit! Let's go get 'em Trash, gyuh gyuh gyuuuuuhhh!"
I'm not overly fond of Zeb's Guide...nor do I have any qualms stating why. Tongue out

My SF website

Anonymous's picture
w00t (not verified)
November 6, 2007 - 9:29pm
/me uses the force to change the TV channel....because the remote is out of reach.

Tongue out

Anonymous's picture
Corjay (not verified)
November 7, 2007 - 10:22am
I'm glad you found this. Redneck_Jedi is a friend of mine. :) I don't know if this was made before or after he got his name, but seeing as he posted it himself a while back without suggesting any other source, I assumed he's the one who made it. :)