A story that needs a read

oTTo's picture
oTTo
February 6, 2014 - 11:02pm
I am taking a class this semester that requires me to write. I have written a lot about my Army career in classes and this time around I wanted to go a different route. The teacher is open to fiction as our concepts to draw from. I wrote a story, basically the beginning of Volturnus as my first rough draft. My group liked it and says "whats next" but the story doesn't accomplish the criteria of the assignment. Character development.

I wrote a new one, changing a lot of details. Having just gotten back into SF after a while I draw from the universe. If anyone would mind giving this a quick read, as quick as 6 pages may be. Feedback, suggestions, anything. I can take criticism, I crave it.


My first thoughts weren’t really on the job I had to do, it was more on the money I would make doing it. I had debts to pay off, I had people to get off my back, and I had a life to live. There was so much for me to do still, and if I didn’t get this most recent loan off my back I might be in for more than I care for. This new job bodes well for me though, a simple retrieval mission and the support of a team.

Well, I was more supporting the team. Captain Magnus was in charge, Star Law Ranger extraordinaire. The tall, salt and pepper haired, mustachioed man was the very definition of United Planetary Federation presence in space. The UPF was law and order in the Frontier. Mega-Corporations are the movers and shakers of the Frontier, and they pay the bills. So I work for the corps, unlike my new boss who reports to the never ending list of elected officials.

“Take notice, this isn’t a pleasure cruise. We are entering Rim space and we are not sure what to expect when we enter the systems,” he said the words, but I knew he knew we knew, that he knows what is on the other end of our journey. This was more a show of might, authority, Magnus asserting his alpha status if you will, and none of the rest of us would argue with that. “You have been assigned bunks, see Sergeant Kri’lki to my left for those assignments.” He extended his arm to his left towards the vrusk soldier.

Vrusk, are meter tall, eight legged and two armed, ovoviviparous intelligent, sentient insects. They are known for their keen sense of business, their universities are known for churning out board members suited for the corps. It was believed the vrusks not in a business profession are from bad egg sacks. I don’t personally care for the giant bugs, creepy things that they are. They can even click out human language, even though they rely heavily on their hand and antennae movement. It was my plan to get my bunk assignment and avoid this sergeant as much as possible for the duration.

The starship we were aboard was an old survey and exploration cruiser, it was probably a few decades older than myself. The interior lighting was dimming to a low brightness that almost hurt the eyes, straining down corridors. The center of the ship was the central lift, two side by side open elevators and a ladder well, for incase of power loss. The lift dropped down two levels to the living quarters, from the common level above.

The lower crew quarters, our quarters, were even less light than the above decks.  Below the crew deck was the engineering bays, the low humming of the engines could be felt through the flooring. The inertia of space travel creates a force of gravity, holding us down to the deck while we move. Upon deceleration, if everything is not stored properly things will float from the zero gravity of space, or the reverse affects should something negative arise.

Stepping off the lift I saw some of my other team mates, I wondered which would come in handy most to make this stay comfortable. I notice a few females during the briefing, but there were plenty of military on board for them to gander at. Sitting down at the kitchen bar I took a look around the room. A few yazirians, wing like flaps under their arms for gliding, they are more an evolved flying squirrel than the monkeys they get their name for. They smell. All I can say about yazirians is that they smell horrible. I was sure they two would be the same.

A trio of dralasites, the shape changing blob people that are known for their infatuation with bad jokes. They would be the best bet to get anything done that I don’t want to do. By the look of their uniforms two of them fix robots and the other computers, but there was no way to know which of their three genders they were. I don’t mind dralasites so much, they are easy to get along with and they make for good conversation.

Medical personnel have always been my favorites. There is always someone willing to help out a friend in need, or be a friend in need of helping out. I always like to help my friends. Two female medics, each wearing the flight medical officer suits they can be clearly identified by, stood together discussing something or other with Captain Magnus’s lieutenant. The lieutenant was a handsome young human man, but man wouldn’t be the right word. This boy couldn’t grow a beard to save his life.

My beard is amazing, fully covering my face like a man’s beard should. Captain Magnus and his mustache, looks as though it was issued by Star Law. I would be able to talk the ladies up after the lieutenant finished boring them. I waited until he departed.

“Ladies, hello hello. Let me introduce myself, I am your environmental science officer for this expedition. My name is,” I was cut off mid bow by a finger to my lips.

“Save it Otto, we know who you are.” The first medic said to me, pressing her finger firmly to my lips, she bent eye level to me in my mid bow, “not interested.”

The two of them walked passed me and disappeared together down a corridor. I was in love.

 

I found my bunk and shortly thereafter found some comfort in sleep. It would be days before we got anywhere close to our destination. Maybe I would be able to sleep the entire trip? I don’t think anyone would be needing an environmental science office in the depths of space. There was no botanical bays on board, and the air recycle system was not organic based. I could stay in my bunk and no one would notice.

I was wrong. Unknown hours had passed before I was disturbed. Opening my eyes, expecting to see the dull gray ceiling of my bunk. Instead I saw the gold, sectional eyes of the vrusk sergeant. I gasped and startled back in my sheets.

“You are wanted on the bridge,” he said through his translating device strapped to his uniforms lapel. “Captain Magnus wants you immediately.”

I groaned, sat up in my bunk and rubbed my eyes. I tried to avoid looking at…him? Her? I had no idea what it was. I could feel its eyes staring at me as I moved about my cabin area getting dressed. Man, I hate bugs.

We made our way to the central lifts, going all the way to the top of the ship. The bridge was an amazing sight, which I almost couldn’t bare witness to because it was so bright. The lighting in the bridge area was amazing. A large circular room, windows all around, save for the command staff area directly to the front of the central lift. The ship’s captain, some corp paid lakey, stood with Captain Magnus looking down at star charts with a couple other officers.

Every direction I looked was a uniform at a console doing something I couldn’t understand. When I looked out the bridge windows I was lost in amazement. Normally I would expect to see stars, but there was no stars. We had entered the Void, the slipstream faster than light travel. I had never had access to viewports on lower decks during any of my previous missions, this was the first time I saw the darkness of nothing. It made me dizzy. I lost feeling in my legs.

The blur of darkness faded and I was regaining my senses. A circle of faces surrounded me, the first to come into focus shook me back. The vrusk, staring straight into my face. Was that, reassurance
 in it’s face? Was it concerned for me?

Captain Magnus helped me to my feet. The soft smell of his cologne was immediately apparent. I smiled to myself, he must use it to ward off the yazirian smell, I wasn’t the only one.

“Otto, you are the environmentalist. I need you to decide where we will set down on the moon’s surface,” he pressed a few buttons on the table display before us. A map of the surface was shown. I looked over the entire area, taking advantage of the display controls I was able to search for a suitable area.

A small stretch of clearings between forests looked suitable enough, but Captain Magnus said that wouldn’t suit our needs. He redirected me towards a more mountainous region, his instructions and basically determination had me settling on a plateau area, far from any beaches, rivers, or other comfortable climate spots. Of course, he knew more than me and of course he made sure to not let me know anything more than his hand guides everything, and I make no real choices. Fine by me.

I departed the bridge quickly, averting my eyes from the exterior Void. It was no wonder spacers were prone to alcoholism, anyone with that much stress needs some sort of an outlet. Mine was gambling, I was always in a position to play a game of chance during some down time. Long expeditions, however, in the past have ended up with my entire earnings gone before I even received a paycheck. I wasn’t always lucky.

Arriving on the common area deck my nose was in the air. I smelled gambling, and of course there were off duty crew, and some team members, playing a friendly game of chance. For wagers. I joined in eagerly.

Hours passed and players trickled out. It was down to just two of us. Our wagers were as high as we could go, trying to out with and out match one another. Finally we called a draw, the yazirian female was a worthy gambling adversary. She was one of the ships pilots, and listening to her stories while gambling with her I grew some respect. Not only for her, but her race.

She had told a story of their exodus from their home world, a few tales of her clan, and about how the yazirian church was dedicated towards its cause and that she was an outcast from her own kind because she chose UPF instead of the church. I also noticed how little she smelled. She actually smelled more like alcohol at the end of the evening, none more than myself.

I sauntered back to my bunk with my winnings, federation credits that I could use for gambling later on our trip. Tucking them safely away in my belongings, I was asleep before I hit the bunk. The lulling hum of the engines was almost soothing.

Comments:

TerlObar's picture
TerlObar
February 7, 2014 - 12:58pm
There were some minor grammatical and punctuation errors.  Those kind of things are a bit hard to point out in this format.  Also, some of the sentences and word flow were a little ackward at times, especially in the sections where you were describing the various races.  Typically these types of errors can be found by reading the piece out loud.

It's a short piece so obviously you can't have a lot of character development occuring.  Mainly, the development I see is his growing respect for yazirians in the encounters with the female yazirian pilot at the very end.  Most of the rest of the piece just establishes the character.  At least that's how it seemed to me.  If you were going for something else, it didn't stand out in my first casual reading.

Based on what's here, I'd describe the main character as a small man and a bit scruffy looking with an obvious vice of gambling.  He tries to be liked by the ladies.  He seems to be a bit on the lazy side, trying to do as little as possible to get by.  He also seems to be a bit down on his luck but that may be due to his trying to get along doing as little as possible so he doesn't do as much as he really should and suffers setback because of it and also made worse by his gambling habit.

I definitely liked it and now have that same "What's next?" feeling.  I want the next chapter! Smile

If you want more detailed editing analysis, send me a digital copy (i.e. Word/Open Office docuement) and I'll mark it up for you.  My e-mail is tom at starfrontiers.info.  Although it may take a couple of days so if you need it before then, it might not be worth sending it.
Ad Astra Per Ardua!
My blog - Expanding Frontier
Webmaster - The Star Frontiers Network & this site
Founding Editor - The Frontier Explorer Magazine
Managing Editor - The Star Frontiersman Magazine

oTTo's picture
oTTo
February 7, 2014 - 4:46pm
I was going for mostly developing the character. The assignment is a narrative, showing character development start to finish. The needed word count is 450.

My peers are writing short concise pieces, ie; I lived here forever and then we moved, I was afraid, it wasn't what I feared, things are great, and conclusion. (Obviously fluff in there)

I would prefer to write something worth writing, worth reading. I love it when I hear "whats next" because it means I was able to draw in my reader. This was going with a universe I haven't written in before, if it seems like I am obviously wet behind the gills its because I am. I want the readers to be following our characters development from who he was to who he becomes.

You describe him as a little man, I like that you visualize him that way. I didn't describe him on purpose, I like the reader making assumptions at this point, just know what he mentions and what is happening, decide for yourself overtime.

I prefer this version myself, it isn't riffing directly SF0 (in that draft I only used the Serena Dawn name and basic happenings of pirates aboard and the life boat). This seems more original.

Blankbeard's picture
Blankbeard
February 8, 2014 - 9:48am
One thing I see is that his description of the other species is a bit dry. I'm not saying you need to make him into a screaming racist, but maybe he could exaggerate a bit or otherwise be a slightly unreliable narrator. He's negative on the Vrusk and Yazirians so maybe he could show a bit of distaste or contempt. He seems to like Dralasites so maybe you could have him make a comparison. I always think of Dralasites like your funny uncle: amusing in small doses but eye-rolling and annoying if they stay too long.

There are a couple areas where you start a sentence, go into a clause, and then don't finish the original sentence. I'd tell you where but I can't find them again.

I would speak any dialog or musing outloud just to see how it sounds.

Still, good work and a neat story! I hope you get the grade you need!

oTTo's picture
oTTo
February 8, 2014 - 11:31am
This was the first draft. One re-read, no edits or revises. It has been edited a little now, thanks to some outside help (much appreciated). I know what you mean about the changes...sometimes my ADHD gets into my writing. In my head the point is said right...but I am usually trying to mash points together at once but not realizing others won't understand me. Thank you for pointing these areas out.

Race descriptions. I agree, I sucked here. I want to convey the existing resistance of humans (us here on earth) to accept other, different existing sentience. Clarifying, humans now hate one another for small differences; go to the mall and pass a foreigner and you might see young kids turning up their noses because that foreigner didn't smell local. Languages, mannerisms, customs, humans have a tendency to scoff at these things before ever experiencing them themselves.

Culture shock is like that. My mother, when she arrived in China, freaked out and eventually a week or so into country (moved, not vacationed) she flipped out. She yelled at me about their government, culture, lack of her known language (English...standard American idiot woman), and anything and everything she could about them. She didn't want to exist with their culture, she wanted her own.

This is the character I want the protagonist to start out as. Stupid, arrogrant, and having had listened to others instead of using his own eyes and ears prior to the story. I have to cram that fact in real quick though, not enough time to start this guy out before and establish his xenophobia.

I did advance his changes quicker than I would have thought I would want to...if that makes sense. The yaz and the gambling was to push the development along and to fill the moments on the ship. In the first version the human was on the lifeboat when awoken by the vrusk medic, that has obviously changed a little...but I do expect to make it so dralasites are shown as "the types I want around" because they try and act human, they use human humor, they are basically the immergent tourist wanting to be where they are. Yaz and vrusk characters would be the outsiders, the ones he was told about, the ones he wants to limit his time with because he is stupid. They are the ones that will save him, help him, be there for him. Humans will show is disregard, discontent, or displeasure because they know how broken of a human he is.

I hope this helps flesh out who the protagonist/narrator is now. The perspective of someone needing new perspective.

I have come up with more plot and conflict.

TerlObar's picture
TerlObar
February 8, 2014 - 11:52am
Actually, I thought for the most part the race descriptions were pretty good for the amount of space you had to work with.  I think maybe the only thing you might have left out was the Yazirian warrior/honor culture.  Of course being a Star Frontiers fanatic, I don't need much to tell me about the races but I think you did well.
Ad Astra Per Ardua!
My blog - Expanding Frontier
Webmaster - The Star Frontiers Network & this site
Founding Editor - The Frontier Explorer Magazine
Managing Editor - The Star Frontiersman Magazine

TerlObar's picture
TerlObar
February 8, 2014 - 11:54am
Oh, and just a suggestions.  If you want to post revisions, or new works on the site, you might consider joining the Frontier Fiction project and using the documents section there to post the body of the work.  Then yoiu can post links to that document here in the main thread to let people know about it.  You can post them in the forums directly but using the docuement functionality might make things easier to work with.
Ad Astra Per Ardua!
My blog - Expanding Frontier
Webmaster - The Star Frontiers Network & this site
Founding Editor - The Frontier Explorer Magazine
Managing Editor - The Star Frontiersman Magazine

Blankbeard's picture
Blankbeard
February 8, 2014 - 12:24pm
oTTo wrote:
This was the first draft. One re-read, no edits or revises. It has been edited a little now, thanks to some outside help (much appreciated). I know what you mean about the changes...sometimes my ADHD gets into my writing. In my head the point is said right...but I am usually trying to mash points together at once but not realizing others won't understand me. Thank you for pointing these areas out.


Please don't take anything I wrote as saying your work is bad. That's not the case.

oTTo wrote:

Race descriptions. I agree, I sucked here. I want to convey the existing resistance of humans (us here on earth) to accept other, different existing sentience. Clarifying, humans now hate one another for small differences; go to the mall and pass a foreigner and you might see young kids turning up their noses because that foreigner didn't smell local. Languages, mannerisms, customs, humans have a tendency to scoff at these things before ever experiencing them themselves.


First off, you didn't suck at it. I like the detail of non-corporate Vrusk being "bad eggs." I could see him rolling his eyes at that, considering how we use that expression. I could see this guy saying something like Vrusk: Eight legs, two arms, and one brain obsessed with business.

oTTo wrote:

I hope this helps flesh out who the protagonist/narrator is now. The perspective of someone needing new perspective.

I have come up with more plot and conflict.


Yeah, he's coming through loud and clear. If you're expected to stay near 450 words, you are going to have trouble making a huge change in personality. I think the initial distaste giving way to respect that you have is actually a good path to follow.

Again, not intending to say you're off the rails or anything.

oTTo's picture
oTTo
February 8, 2014 - 1:23pm
Terl thanks, I have been getting into the projects. There is a lot of content here to help muse.

Blankbeard, I know I don't suck...just obviously when you are able to do something you want to do it perfect (or best as possible). In the face of peers, especially ones who's opinions I would respect, I see my talent on a lower scale. My classmates...great people, great stuff they have written...but there are areas that seems like they obviously didn't read class content, disregarded the basics of MLA when it was required, etc.

My problem, I want to tell the story the best way possible with all that is in my head. I feel like I never can get it all out, right, and able to be enjoyed...

Blankbeard's picture
Blankbeard
February 8, 2014 - 1:27pm
I hear that a lot from professional writers so you might have a good attitude there.

I'm just eventually like "Eh, good enough." :)

oTTo's picture
oTTo
February 9, 2014 - 10:46am
There was a sergeant who told me to be that way in the Army. I am a little on the perfection side. In elementary school I would look at my peers and what they were doing, adjust accordingly to exceed the standard they put out. As a soldier I was setting the uniform standard (this was the end of the BDU and black boot era before ACUs in the 2004-2006 time frame). One day I got to my unit and my boots were glass, uniform could cut you it was so pressed and clean. I was hot. 1st Sergeant (Top) took me in front of the company and said to the men, "this is the standard" and from that point I made sure to always be on top. Of course, over time the company made the standard and my rank lowered to equal again (in terms of looking good).

Point is, if everyone else is saying "meh, its good" then I am the only one left saying, "no it really isn't" and I will work until I believe it is done done DONE. Clean, clear, set right. I like support in this because it takes effort to be that honed in, but also means others share my view that being perfect is nothing short of the only way to be.

I can't just let it others think its an okay standard to follow to be mediocre, to not try your best. Everyone cant be amazing, but everyone can damn well give it their heart and soul...if they don't then they obviously dont care, step aside, move along, someone wanting to give it their all is ready to get in your place.