Vruskan Headache Feedback

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
January 27, 2013 - 9:51pm
Folks, I'd love any feedback that you're willing to provide about my story that accompanied the latest issue of the SFman. 
Comments:

rattraveller's picture
rattraveller
January 28, 2013 - 7:02am
only got to read the first page because of a very busy schedule but i immediately got the night stalker theme and am hooked i am dying to finish it and will post when i do just wont be soon but looks great so far
Sounds like a great job but where did you say we had to go?

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
January 28, 2013 - 7:36am
Yeah they left out my foreword where I credit that great old show. "All similarities are purely intentional"

Karxan's picture
Karxan
January 29, 2013 - 12:42am
Bilygote, Did I miss a quote? Hmmm, There were several rewrites and edits, probably got lost in translation. I apologize.

As editor I would like to give you feedback too, I must have read this story 10 times. I loved it. You keep things moving all through it. Your next one is a blast too. It will be included in Issue #20 which will be out sooner than later.

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
January 29, 2013 - 7:15am
Thanks

jedion357's picture
jedion357
January 29, 2013 - 9:58am
Alright, Billygoat

1. I download but completely missed your story and had to scramble around my files to figure out where it was till Tom Stephens set me right. So this method of getting your fiction delivered to an audience left something to be desired.

2. I dont see that the story required being physically published outside the SFman. For what reason? the main character smoking and drinking? a subject that was grim? I think a disservice was done to your fiction- my opinion.

3. I was prepared to suggest that perhaps an adult magazine might be in order but even as I thought that just adding adult to a magazine's description was likely to attract undesirable elements pushing really graphic and grotesque content.

I dunno what to say. I didn't get why this was banished to a closet.
I might not be a dralasite, vrusk or yazirian but I do play one in Star Frontiers!

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
January 29, 2013 - 12:46pm
The reason was that the graphic drescription of brain extraction (i.e. the in the field documentation of Mr Louman plus the coroner). The input I got was that it may have been too much for younger readers. If you take a look on one of the preceding pages there is a warning that the story may not be for younger readers.

But one of the things that I'd like to hear is: do you (the readers) believe there was anything in the story that was not appropriate for younger readers? 

I'll save my comments on this for later in the feedback posts. Larry & William already have my thoughts on the matter.

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
January 29, 2013 - 12:48pm
Maybe a poll is in order?

Karxan's picture
Karxan
January 30, 2013 - 7:18pm
I welcome any feedback for or against how we presented the fiction.It was stated in the table of contents about the content and also where it could be found. 

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
February 1, 2013 - 10:21am
@ Jedion: But did you like/not like it? Was there anything that stuck out, good and/or bad?

jedion357's picture
jedion357
February 1, 2013 - 12:52pm
Bilygote wrote:
@ Jedion: But did you like/not like it? Was there anything that stuck out, good and/or bad?
I liked the ending and the developing investigation. I thought that if you had other story lines (maybe 2) that may or may not have intertwined with the reporter. That it could have been a novel or novella. I also thought you could have edited it to be a little shorter and get to the reveal faster. Oh yeah I kind of liked that it was the yazirian getting on the dralasite's nerves instead of the other way around which is typical.
I might not be a dralasite, vrusk or yazirian but I do play one in Star Frontiers!

jedion357's picture
jedion357
February 1, 2013 - 12:57pm
Also and not to step on peoples toes but to give constructive crit: I think next time the sfman does this they should dress it up more as if its a seperate publication with its own cover and then on the table of contents or letter to the editor page put a picture of the cover and a 2-3 line blub. Like i said i completely missed it this time around.
I might not be a dralasite, vrusk or yazirian but I do play one in Star Frontiers!

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
February 1, 2013 - 4:48pm
Thanks for the input Jedion

TerlObar's picture
TerlObar
February 1, 2013 - 6:17pm
Okay, finally had a chance to read it (print edition of Frontier Explorer issue 3 is off to the printer for proofing).  I thought the story was great.  There were some minor editing things that I noticed but that's a minor quibble.  I would have no problems letting my 13 year old twin boys or my 16 year old daughter read this.  They might go "oooh, gross," at some points but I don't think it was that bad.  I probably wouldn't let my 8 (almost 9) year old son read it, but I didn't find it too bloody, gorey, or graphic.

As a person familiar with Star Frontiers, I found the species descriptions each time a member of one of the SF species appeared for the first time a bit jarring to the narrative.  That said, they were done well and for someone not familiar with SF I think they were good and wouldn't have been an issue.  It's just that for me, someone who has been playing off and on for nearly 30 years, they were quite superfluous.  Again, just a minor issue and you'll reach a larger audience with them in there.

I liked the way it was written as a combination of the reporter narrating into his computer and then shifting to the scenes as they happened.  I'll agree with jedion357 that it could have either been shortened just a bit or expanded greatly into a much longer piece.  There was definitely potential there for that.

I might have stretched out the final fight just a bit to make it more of a struggle between the creature and the reporter one-on-one for a bit longer before the reinforcements arrived.  That might also have given you a chance to describe the creature a bit more.

Overall, however, it was a great read.
Ad Astra Per Ardua!
Webmaster - The Star Frontiers Network & this site
Founding Editor - The Frontier Explorer Magazine
Managing Editor - The Star Frontiersman Magazine

rattraveller's picture
rattraveller
February 1, 2013 - 7:17pm
Still in a time crunch so quickly:

Whoever said this story was bad for younger readers must have been on the campaign to ban Katy Perry from Seaseme Street.

I didn't know Vrusk couldn't speak Pan-Galactic and wore poly voxes everywhere.

Kolchak wore a straw hat not a fedora

It's Dralasite not dralacite
Sounds like a great job but where did you say we had to go?

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
February 5, 2013 - 7:18am
1. I don't know the demographics of the readership so I'll defer to the editors.
2. I took literary license with Vrusk speech based on the description in AD.
3. I know Kolchak wears a straw boaters hat, I own the complete series and the 2 made for TV movies. I wanted Khordi to be similar but not the same. IIRC Carl doesn't smoke either. I wanted to capture the spirit of the show, hopefully I accomplished that.
4. I know I caught the error in a previous revision of the story but due to circumstances beyond my control the latest revision of the story wasn't used. I revised the thing 6 times, in fact I usually do multiple revisions of my fiction, that helped to contribute to the confusion.

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
February 5, 2013 - 7:26am
@TerlObar: When I write these stories I try to assume that the reader may not be familiar with the SF universe. So I try to be descriptive but not long winded as a race enters the story.

Bilygote's picture
Bilygote
February 5, 2013 - 7:29am
I appreciate the feedback so far, keep it coming.